Liberation

Starting this week in a somber mood. Couldn’t sleep well last night, so many things was running thru my head and death was one of them. Yesterday I visited an aunt whose at the losing end in her battle with cancer. Seeing her lying there fragile, motionless and in pain really breaks my heart but all I could think about was 'don't let her see you sad!' so I smiled at her and tried to make small talk. I asked how she was doing and then realised it was a really stupid thing to say. She didn’t seem to mind, she just said her hand was stiff, I carefully stroked her hand to comfort her and I could feel her hand all bony and cold. She lost so much weight since the last time I saw her and the look on her face tells me that she's just waiting for her time to come. I immediately moved away before she can see my watery eyes. I went to sit with my cousin. She looked tired, scared and in distraught. I could not begin to imagine how she must've felt like seeing her mum withering away in front of her very eyes; I tried not to think what I would do if I were in her shoes. As I sat there watching my mum and her sisters trying to comfort my ailing aunt, I couldn’t hold back my tears. I watched my aunt just staring into nothingness and wondered what was going thru her mind, how she must be feeling – scared? Content? Regrets? ... She knows her time is coming but it doesn’t seem like she is ready to let go and I can sense most in the room does not seem to want to let go as well. I started praying in my heart; for God to show love and compassion to my aunt and to give us all strength to prepare for what is to come.

On the way back to the car, I put my hand on my mum's shoulder "Mum you ok?" she nodded and I squeezed her shoulder gently. I couldn't help but feel so thankful to God for the day He opened my heart to return home to my family in KK. I never realised how much I needed them and how incredibly lucky I am for having them as family. Despite all our differences and imperfections we learn to live and love each other flawed and all and remain close throughout the good and bad years. I broke my parent’s heart when I moved away but now I have a second chance in getting to know them and my brothers again before it’s too late and I want to make the most of it. Thinking that I needed to find myself elsewhere, but it is with family that I learn a lot about myself and most importantly I learn what it means to love unconditionally.
Eventually death become us all and I’d be content to leave this world knowing that I have loved and be loved. All my troubles and fears seem so irrelevant right now and to know this is so liberating…