Rain

Can you help me out, can you lend me a hand?
It's safe to say that I'm stuck again
Trapped between this life and the light
I just can't figure out, how to make it right...

A thousand times before
I've wondered if there's something more... something more...

I feel it's gonna rain like this for days
So let it rain down and wash everything away
I hope that tomorrow the sun will shine
With every tomorrow comes another life...

I feel it's gonna rain, for days and days
I tried to figure out, I can't understand...
What it means... to be whole again...
Trapped between the truth and the consequence
Nothing's real, nothing's making sense...

A thousand times before
I've wondered if there's something more... something more...

I feel it's gonna rain like this for days
So let it rain down and wash everything away
I hope that tomorrow the sun will shine
I feel it's going to rain like this... rain like this... rain like this...

Fall down, wash away my yesterdays
Fall down, so let the rain fall down on me...

**********************************************

Love this new song, makes me wana  jump in the rain - now I just need to find one!! Cheers to the f*cked up drama called life :)

Check this out! - Sam Tsui

One guy + seven part voice harmonization + a couple of michael jackson hits = FAME!

I gotta a feeling that today's gonna be a good day

Well definitely much better than the last two crappy days I've been having. Not sure what was up with the planetary alignment  but the universe just seem to be against me and I was feeling shitty, emotionally drained. Or maybe it's just pms (hmmm, let's see how long I can get away with pms excuse for being in a fowl mood).

Nonetheless, today is a good day. Why? Because today I manage to bake what I'd consider the most delicious cake I've ever made in my baking history. Significant day and I'm exhilarated!

Lo and behold my yummy Durian Cheese Cake baked with my own two badly-in-need-of-a-manicure hands!!!

Yes don't let the ugly form of the cake deceive you coz the taste is absolutely delicious! And I am salivating as I type this! Yum!

I actually pinjam this recipe from another blog with a lil bit of adjustment due to some missing ingredients in the kitchen ehehe. If you want, you can try it too just go to this blog for the recipe :)

Baking makes me so happy, especially when I get to share it with people who appreciates my baking talents by showering me with compliments! Ok feel free to vomit blood now ahaha. But seriously, I think it's one of the reason why I bake a lot lately, I get high on the compliments and bake more so I can get more! Muahahaha! Yes I'm shamelessly 'minta puji'. But hei, I'm high on a feel-good feeling so it's ok!

Anway, it's friday and it's a glorious day and I'd like to share some photos of my petunia, chrysanthemum and gerbera (oh my!).

(can you see my garden fairy and mr. froggy? f*cking cute huh!)

Man I am really becoming mumzy! But if it makes me and the people around me happy what the heck! The world needs more shiny happy people anyway!
I'd also like to get started on a herb garden but the kind of herb plants that I want to grow is so difficult to get here in KK. I'm actually looking for mint, corriander, parsley as a start but cannot find anak pokok or seeds here lar damn! The aunty at the pasar also don't wana sell their anak pokok scared nobody will buy from them again. I am just one person lar aunty! Hmph!

Ok before I forget, check out what bubzy got for me from OZ.

It was the most lovely and interesting gift ever, I couldn't stop laughing hysterically for a good 5 minutes when I opened the package! I LOVE IT! I'm well on my way to become the Martha Stewart of my kampung and my new pink tools will so help make me become the domestic goddest I am destined to be haha. Maybe I'll carry a pack of cigarette and a can of beer while doing my domestic chores just so I don't  feel so mumzy. Yeah I'm still battling to accept the fact that I like things mumzy - it's weird how I like to contradict myself sometimes. Oh well, all the more interesting life becomes isn't it.

Have a good weekend lovely people of the universe and all of it's living being. Remember to love our planet!

Dear penis

Hehe! Happy friday lovely people!

A dam-n project

I read an article in the news about the plight of some villagers in Papar, Sabah whose about to lose their homes, forest land and even their ancestor burial ground to give way to a dam project. (Read article here).

I remember feeling very very sad when I read it. How scary it must be for them to lose the roof over their head, not knowing what's going to happen or where they will be placed. I would go crazy and would be really damn pissed if this were to happen to my land. Heck I might just be like one of the guy carrying picket sign "langkah mayat kami dulu" as shown in the article's photo! And while these villagers may be compensated for the loss, no amount of money can really replace the feeling of losing a place they've known for many generations, as home, their comfort, the feeling of safe and belonging, memories...all that will change forever.

I also remember reading it and feeling very angry; angry at at the authority, at the government for allowing or even considering this project to happen. Our government sucks! Pumped with anger I forwarded the article to some friends hoping they would share my sentiment. One dear friend basically said that it's a complicated situation coz sure this people will lose their home but this particular project will give way to development of Sabah i.e. electricity and water and in the long run will benefit more Sabahans.

My first reaction was "WTF!!!" So it's ok to shoo people from their home to give way to development is it?! The 'scale' (libran lar) in me got super fired up! It's not fair! How funny is that taking someone else's basic necessity to make up for the necessity of others! It's not right! Do you deserve to get the convenience from this dam project at the expense of these people? Do you?! (Noticed how it's called a 'dam' project, heh how very appropriate). Back to my point, it is just not right to let these people suffer so that others can benefit especialy if those inflicted are not willing participants!
.
.
.
And suddenly I realized - by 'others' that would mean me and my family and my darling nephews and niece and my relatives and my kampung people and the rest of Sabahan. Oh damn *foot in mouth moment* It's true that we Sabahan have always had problems with electricity (a really bad one I'm not kidding) and this dam would be one of the way to meet our power supply need. My heart sanked...

Funny how fast and easy it is to argue on things based on what we think we know, how we feel and what is right but when it's affecting us personally, good or bad, it can be quite difficult to reason it out.

Ok I still feel it is not right and it is very very sad for these villagers to lose their home but yes I have to admit that if this dam project is a go, it will be good for Sabah development and it would definitely provide more comfort for me and many other Sabahans hopefully including those had to sacrifice their land. If it were to happen, I just hope that they will get compensated accordingly, which again raise the issue - what compensation is fair to those who are losing everything familiar to them? I'd tagged mine at least 1 mill ehehe.

And I'm afraid my friend is right and quoting him "it's a case of damn if we do, damn if we don't". And to those in Sabah who gets to benefit from this project, please show your gratitude to the villagers who had to sacrifice their land by appreciating electricity more and not wasting it unnecessarily. If you are not using your laptop, please unplug it or turn it off. If no one is watching tv, please turn it off. If no one is using the aircond or fan please turn it off. If you're done using the water heater, please turn the damn switch off. You're not only showing gratitute and giving thanks to these people but also to mother nature. And plus you'll be saving on your monthly bills. Yeah we human being are such ungrateful wasting creatures, I know coz I was one and I'm vowing to change and I hope the rest of you will join me in conserving electricity and mother nature.

As for this project, my stand would be "For" it. It's time to change Sabah status as the poorest state in Malaysia don't you think so? (What you didn't know that?)

Take care lovely people and remember saving energy will save our planet earth and your pocket money!

An age-d entry

To mark my birthday, which was yesterday, I decided to revive my sleeping blog.

But before that, coincidently on my birthday, Typhoon Ketsana hit Luzon, Philippines destroying lives, homes and livelihood. Even Kota Kinabalu the felt the wrath of Typhoon Ketsana when strong wind and heavy rain hit our shores late last night and with a single loud thunder, we had a blackout until morning. Even that was scary for us, I can't bear to think what it would be like for the victims in Manila. My thoughts and prayers go out to the victims. God bless.

Anyway, yesterday was my birthday *boohoo* and those who knew me well would know how much I detest birthdays; well my birthday at least. I hate being reminded that I'm older simply because I hate feeling old. I dread filling in forms or surveys where I have to tick the three-o and above check box! And when people I just met asked me how old I am (which I find very rude btw, strangers have got no business knowing my age buduh!), I always have a hard time saying the number out loud; it's like a giant number three-one got stuck in my throat and would not reveal itself. I get upset over silly things like this it's pathetic really.

And as expected, around the time of my birthday, I started feeling mopey and whiney again and the fact that I'm pmsing doesn't helped either. I texted one of my good friend to whine and received a reply 'never grow old, but always growing in wisdom'. Ok we all heard this line before right, so commonly spoken and so cliché…but this time around it kinda struck me.

When I look back at all the things I've been through, things that I've done, things I've said, my thoughts; I can really say for sure that I am NOW a much wiser person than I have ever been in my twenties or in any other age before that. And dare I say a much better person too.

So in my attempt to look at the brighter side of…er…being older and over thirty, I decided to reassess how far I’ve come and came up with a list of 10 good changes in my live now that I’m over thirty

1) I CAN LIVE without my handphone, psp, internet, facebook, and laptop! Seriously, I did not turn back to get my mobile when I left it at home; ok maybe if it’s less than 5 minutes away I would still make a turn but more than that I would just swear it off a bit and keep driving. And when my laptop died on me, I didn’t die of boredom nor did I break into cold sweat when I did not log into facebook or internet for days, I survived just fine. In my twenties I’m pretty much obsessed with all these things particularly my handphone which I considered my life-line. It’s so freeing to be able to detach from these material things. But having said that, I’m still working on music/radio and TV. Ok maybe I’ll let these two slide as my guilty pleasures.

2) I’m learning how to cook coz I realized my mum won’t move in with me to cook for me and my future husband hehe. And you know what? I’m not that bad at cooking, at least nothing exploded or caught on fire - yet! And I discovered that I have a knack in making dessert and cakes! Lucky future husband!

3) I am finally okay with the idea of committing into a long term relationship or dare I say ‘marriage’ (all in the future that is). I use to have trust and commitment issues, well I still have but at least I’m more willing to work on it coz nobody wants to be alone right. But for a peace of mind, I am considering prenup :D

4) I no longer hate babies or children. Hooray I'm no witch who feast on fat children in Hansel and Gretel! I believe the patience and tolerance towards children comes with age and I think I have mastered it - hopefully it's good enough when put in practice *wipe sweaty head*

5) I convert from a regular smoker to an occasional social smoker, still bad I know but I am making a conscious effort to totally quit smoking. I’m also cutting on alcohol and trying to eat more healthy stuff. Every morning I regularly make time (even if it means going late to work – yeah I know, I’m still working on being punctual) to make pure fruit and veggie juice for the whole family but I skip this morning coz no electricity. And I just recently learn how to make fruit enzyme to help me stay young *ahem* and garbage enzyme to help save our environment *yay*. And I’m dragging my friends and family to do fruit and garbage enzyme too!

6) I found love in gardening and finding it an excellent way to distress, aside from sex – haha!

7) I finally understood what my mother has been trying to tell me all these years. Me and mum are starting to see eye to eye on most things. I guess mothers DO knows best (coz it comes with experience ok). Or maybe I’m just becoming more mumzy *yikes!*

8) I learn to appreciate my family better because I finally realize their love is unconditional, they're always there for me no matter how bad I screw up :D

9) I now know money can’t buy happiness and career is not the measure of life success. I had a really good job in an international organisation, managing international people, travelling internationally, I was proud, my family was proud and it was all good - for a while. Naturally, the higher you go the higher the expectation, the higher the stress, the more complicated the politics, the backstabbing, name-calling, gossiping, the ass-kissing, and in the end I felt tired, used and abused. Realizing that a fast paced career is not for me, I traded everything for a simple kampung life and here I am living in KK, doing a less dramatic job, earning less money and I’m content and happy. Ok the less-money thing needed a bit of time to get use to but it all worked out ok, I'm still alive arent I, yeah the budget conscious me are alive :)

10) I’m a smug no more. Ok maybe less of a smug is a better choice of words. In my twenties I used to be so full of myself. I used to think that I could do anything, take anything or who ever I want. I can manipulate things to get my way and I used to reason and tell myself that it’s okay to do all that. It’s a dog eat dog world out there, survival of the fittest you know. Well yeah that was a whole load of shit and stupid thinking. Lost trusts and friendships along the way and the worse of it all I hated some of the stuff I did and started hating myself. Man that was not a good place to be. But as I grew older and *ahem* wiser I realised what I did wrong, make amends and changes for the better. We all learn better from mistakes and no point living in the past right. And in all honesty, I like my happy self now (you heard it right people – happy is the ‘in’ thing haha) and although I am still full of myself, I think it's just the right healthy amount ;p

So that's my list of feel-good things about me being in my thirties. And I think it’s pretty amazing how my sense of awareness is more heightened now that I’m older. While I hate what turning old is doing to my physical state of being (but nothing that modern miracle cannot fix ahaha), I have to say I do like what aging is doing to my maturity. So I guess birthday is not all that bad. And I still have a long way to go so no point freaking out now. I’ll save that for my firty, now that’s when I’ll go crazy ballistic!

As it turn out, it’s a happy birthday to me after all. And bub I'm still waiting for my birthday packageeeee :DDDD.

Bye lovely people !

Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I need it the most...

(chinese proverb)

...

Lost but never forgotton

Your simple stories changed my perception on our local filming industries and showed me what I'm missing. You may be gone but your story will live on forever. Rest in peace Yasmin Ahmad 1958 – 2009.

.

One of her many beautiful tv work that touched me.

Just feel like yakking a bit

Today - I just saw and touched 1.9 million worth of ringgit in 50s and 100s. And it's all fake. Damn! $_$

Yesterday - Gave talk to a bunch of school kids. Is it just me or muka2 school kids nowadays look a lot older? Can pass off as adult and ada yang cute lagi tu (gawd i'm such a cradle snatcher eww eww!).

Also discovered from the talk, my bahasa presentation totally suck. Ok need to brush up on this (poor kids I hope they got my rojak english-bm talk).

I'm going to KL for the weekend (for damn work) and then off to Tawau (for work and a lil break yay!)! I've never been to tawau huhu! Err come to think of it maybe I have. Can't seem to remember whether I took sandakan or tawau route when I went to sipadan. Ok my sense of direction is kinda off can you tell? Oh well you can't win em all.

I'm feeling happy today and I don't know why. But who cares why, I'm gonna enjoy my good spirit today. Have a lovely day people :))))